wet hot american summer

27 May

Most of us are now on summer vacation, having sold our textbooks for some beer money and bid adieu to the (limited) privacy of dorm rooms.  It’s often difficult to renegotiate boundaries with your parents when returning from school, not to mention sacrificing the sexual freedoms you’ve enjoyed all year.   To make the transition to home-life easier and sexier, here are some tips to make your summer lovin’ steamier, and of course some things to avoid:

DO:

1)    Ice cubes.  Anywhere and everywhere.

2)    Skinny dip (or skinny sprinkle, if you are sans pool.)

3)    Find a secluded area on your private property and have a naked picnic.

4)    Try a cooling or minty lubricant.

5)    Ask an attractive stranger to help you apply your sunscreen.

6)     Get a cool new bikini wax.  Feeling creative?  Design your own pubic masterpiece.

7)    Have a summer fling with a foreigner.  Extra points if (s)he has an accent.

DO NOT:

1)    Have sexual intercourse in the pool/hot tub

Sex in a pool or hot tub is a common sexual fantasy but we strongly suggest moving to dry land before attempting intercourse.   While strategically placed water jets might get you in the mood, water can actually wash away natural lubrication and can lead to vaginal or anal tearing during intercourse.   The bacteria, salt and chlorine in the water can cause infection. Also, safe sex is incredibly difficult since chlorine deteriorates latex and water can get between the penis and the condom, causing slippage.   All in all, we suggest some underwater foreplay, a quick towel off and a seductive walk to the bedroom.

2)    Have sex at the beach

If you have a groin and have been to a beach, then you’ve said to yourself, “How did this much sand get there?” Well, at least this time you’ll know.   A recent study in Environmental Science and Technology reported that 91% of beaches tested had enterococci, the bacteria that causes UTIs.  If you are desperate and have nowhere else to go, at least try and weave yourselves a hammock.  This may seem funny now, but when you find a hermit crab behind your ball sack the joke’s on you.

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