— ruka sutra (’12) reporting from Brown University
“The Rockefeller Library, or ‘the Rock,’ opened in 1964 and can house up to 1.5 million books.”
1. I don’t care. 2. Maybe I should reconsider going to UPenn… 3. Wait, how’s the sex life on campus?
Yes, genius high school students have received their acceptance letters from Brown and are here to check out their potential new home. (You can easily spot them by eliminating all beer bellies, Toms shoes, and hookahs in the vicinity.) These beautiful, uncorrupted, and extremely horny eighteen-year-olds go on campus tours only to listen to a witty version of the admissions catalogue. But imagine… with other high school students and their parents there to judge you based on the questions that you ask, it’s almost impossible to inquire about the most important thing that will determine your decision to enroll. Sex.
I heard about Brown’s infamous dating scene when my mother bought me a copy of Sex, Puberty, and All That Stuff during my first year of boarding school. That scene does not exist. Perhaps the legend is true, but we all know what happens once the sun goes down and the irresistible sound of ping-pong balls hitting cheap plastic cups fills the common rooms across campus. There are enough sex-themed parties to make Tiger Woods proud, and that’s saying a lot. Even if you’re having some difficulty finding “the one,” you are probably getting BCs (booty calls) every other weekend. That being said, a few words of wisdom:
It’s warm outside and, sure, that’s a great excuse for skipping class and drinking in the afternoon. But the 70 degrees and sunny skies won’t help you put a condom on. Don’t get lazy. Gentlemen, if you’re running low, get some more. Ladies, make sure your man whips out the Trojan—or your own FC (female condom)—before you enjoy each other’s company. If you’ve missed your pill, you’ll need a condom. But with warm weather comes condom deterioration. Make sure you store your stash in a cool place, and check the expiration date, just in case. Whether you’re already taken or on the hunt, staying loyal or experimenting, enjoy the active campus and remember… if you can’t be good, be careful.
*Are you allergic to latex? Try non-latex condoms like Avanti Bare, Skyn, and Trojan Supra.
magna cum loudly 
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